


all it is is eight letters

by IsleofSolitude



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Gen, Open Ending, Title is a pun, angsty, eliot thinks about everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 16:39:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18319187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsleofSolitude/pseuds/IsleofSolitude
Summary: There's not a lot to do when there's a Monster controlling your body.Eliot wishes that for all his talk, he had picked words that mattered.





	all it is is eight letters

**Author's Note:**

> That, right there, is the scariest feeling  
> Opening and closing up again  
> I've been hurt so I don't trust  
> Now here we are, staring at the ceiling  
> \--8 letters, why don't we

The downside to Charlton interrupting his happy place, was that Eliot was aware of time again.

Before the insistent knocking, before following Margo to where she found someone who shouldn’t be there, before monsters and finding his traumatic, repressed memory of the biggest fuck up he ever made, Eliot was able to enjoy the repeated flow of the cottage. 

But now, after playing “guess the trauma” and getting to see Quentin--shorter hair, tired aura, drawn face--that ignorance was gone and Eliot was just

Waiting. Time didn’t move forward--no matter what Eliot did. Time didn’t stop--even if Eliot tried. It was just--there. And not there. And the knowledge of this nothingness made Eliot quite unnerved.

His memories helped a bit, Charlton helped a little, but some days all he could do was curl up on his bed, or the couch, and compose letters in his head. He would close his eyes, think of his favorite and most expensive fountain pen, and carefully sketch each letter oh so gently onto paper. 

He would maybe even send them, if he got out of here. 

_ Dear Penny,  _

_ You’ve saved our asses too many times. I always admired how you had the ability to cut through bullshit. I wonder if you knew you had the biggest heart of us all? You despised most of us, weren’t close to us, just thrown together with us time and time again, and yet you always seemed to go out of your way to help. _

 

_ Dear Penny 23, _

_ I don’t know you. Sorry this letter is so short. You seem nice. _

On second thought, he probably wouldn’t send those.

 

* * *

After poking his nose into the monster’s memories, he couldn’t even bring himself to conjure the memories of his friends---they weren’t real, but he couldn’t risk anything, they had already suffered enough. He waited, sitting on the stairs or pacing in the entry, wishing he could help the real ones.

_ Dear Fen, _

_ Unless there’s some clause about abandonment, you’re still my wife. I hope you know that it wasn’t on purpose. I miss you. However,  missing you as much as I do came as quite a shock to me. My arrival in Fillory---it could have been so much better. I was drowning and destructive and then suddenly I was expected to be High King and wed to this smiling woman.  _

_ I was an awful husband, and a selfish friend. But--Fillory saved me, and a part of that was you. Sometimes, I would look at you and try to be as good a man as you thought you saw. I failed, but I hope you know that I love you dearly. If I had to marry, I couldn’t think of anyone better than you to have as a wife.  _

 

_ Dear Julia,  _

_ Quentin thinks the world of you, and I can see why. We sort of self destructed at the same time, did you ever know that? You made healing look so much more graceful, though. If I get out of here, I think we should go for drinks. _

 

* * *

Penny 23 came, and Eliot knew the gravity of the situation was heard.

Composing letters he could never send was probably an exercise in futility, but Eliot had never had the most healthy coping methods, why start now?

_ Dear Alice _

_ You probably think I hate you. Maybe a bit of me does. But don’t worry, a bit of me has always hated everyone---and no one has ever been more hated by me than me. So, don’t even worry about that. _

_ Not withstanding the whole betrayal with the key things, when you’ve been on my radar I have always kind of liked you. Probably haven’t shown you that very well, what with the sleeping with your boyfriend and arguing with you outside Plover’s house---did I call you something? I was spiraling at that point and honestly can’t remember?--and the whole not being friendly to you thing. _

_ You’re powerful, and you’re a bit damaged. Hopefully you are healing now---you’re too good to be lost in self hate. I was too pissed and hateful to agree with you, but you wanted to do something about the Plover house, and you’re the one who literally gave everything to stop the Beast.  I don’t know that I ever thanked you for that. I don’t know that we could have been friends. Who knows though, stranger things have happened. _

 

_ Dear Kady, _

_ You’re a badass.  Not just in magic, but also those notes during that spell? Respect, girl. Something I’ve always wanted to know...what product do you use for your curls? It’s important. _

 

* * *

Charlton sits on the couch, tracing words on his knee. The record player is on, Glenn Miller’s slow jazz coming through. Outside, there is the sound of wings beating and screeching and a low moaning from too close to the window.

Eliot doesn’t need to conjure Margo, he can picture those doe eyes, that smirk, the gentleness in her hands as she traces them across his face, and the strength in her shoulders as he leans on her. He wants to say so much to her, stuff he’s said and stuff he hasn’t.

_ Dear Margo, _

_ Do you remember the first time we met? You were the first one done with the entrance exam. I noticed that, because old Eliot had anxiety about being the first one to walk up and turn something in.  _

_ Do you remember the mid-terms? We holed up in your room all weekend and we just couldn’t get everything done--the poppers and papers and rolling your tongue just right for the fucking languages. And then the song changed to something that made you mouth the words along and I pulled you into a dance and we danced until we fell into bed, laughing and crying and yawning. _

_ We fucking smoked those midterms and you had the most adorable smile on your face when you saw the grade. Nerd.  _

_ I miss you. You’re everywhere in my memories despite only having been in my life for three years. It’s selfish, but I hope I take up just as much space in yours. I don’t think I knew what love was until I met you.  _

 

* * *

It doesn’t feel like a happy place anymore. The lights won’t come on no matter how hard he thinks, and there’s glass from the windows everywhere. He lost track of Charlton nine screams ago, and there’s so much noise all he can do is crouch by the stairs and hang on. He closes his eyes and presses his brow against the banister.

_ Dear Quentin, _

_ Love you. Please be okay. Maybe next life-- _


End file.
